Dear Mom
by Lilith Thunderstorm
Summary: Ten years after Tris died, Evelyn got cancer and died a few months after that. Tobias often writes his mother letters to keep her updated about his life, eventhough she is already dead. Here are a few of those letters he wrote after her death.
1. Chapter 1 'See you soon'

Dear Mom,

I miss you and I decided to update you again on my life, since I haven't for a while.

Sometimes I still think about Tris. How I will never see her beautiful smile again, how I will never kiss those soft lips. It gets hard at times, but I manage to keep myself alive. I am about to visit Christina. She has become one of my best friends now, one of my only friends, since most of them are too busy living life or already dead.

I try to make the best of my life, though. I am now a politician. I was able to work my way up, since Johanna had decided to leave the city and work for the Bureau. She now gives workshops about peace and how you can reach your inner peace or something like that. I never quite understood her whole Zen lifestyle. But then again, I think she would never understand my life either.

I still bear the scars Marcus left me. I used to think that my tattoo was pretty stupid to get, since the whole faction thing was a lie. But now it reminds me of me. How I got over my fear of Marcus and I know I will never become like him. It reminds me of Tris and the way she used to look at my back like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. It reminds me of the good and bad things in life and of the scars underneath the ink that covers them.

The day you passed away I became quite depressed. I used to sleep all day and read all night. I started drinking a lot and felt miserable. I even thought about ending my life and lifting all the weight of my shoulders, but I didn't. But Christina couldn't see me like this any longer and brought me to the hospital. Also I didn't want to disappoint you, because I know you and Tris would want me to keep living. The doctors gave me these meds that kept the hardest emotions to bear out. It kept me clearheaded and I felt a lot better too. I don't longer need the meds as long as I speak with my therapist at least once a week. It's nice to talk to someone who stands completely loose from the whole situation.

At first I was scared to share my feelings with a complete stranger. It felt like betraying you, to share these memories with someone I don't even know. But now I feel like I can trust her. I feel a lot more relieved. The weight on my shoulders is a lot better to bear now.

I feel good and I wasn't able to say that for a long time. I wish you could come visit me, but since you're not in this world anymore, that wish can't come true. I miss you Mom and one day I will come visit you myself, when I'm ready and the universe decides to give me a ride to Heaven.

See you soon,

Tobias


	2. Chapter 2 'I'm sorry'

Dear Mom,

I feel a bit down today. The meds aren't kicking in as well as they used to do. I frequently get this feeling that I don't want to live anymore. That I want to be with all the people I lost. I've got no one here, except Christina. Don't get me wrong, I really care about her. But she will get over me, just like she got over Al and Tris and everyone else. She is a much stronger person than I'll ever be.

She never bitches around about how miserably she feels. Nothing breaks her anymore, just like fear never broke Tris. It only makes her stronger. Still, I feel like I have nothing to give to the world, even as me having my supposed-to-be-influential-politician-job. I also feel I have nothing to give to the people I love, because I can't reach them. It's like looking at all these faces of all the people you want to reach, but you can't, because a glass wall separates you from them. You can only look at them in your mind, think of them when they were in your reach. It makes me sad sometimes.

I am no Tris, who can break that glass wall by only thinking it will break. It won't break. If I want it to shatter to pieces and disappear before my eyes, I have to cross that barrier and become like one of those persons I can't reach, in order to reach them.

I have to leave this dimension and join you in the unknown place, where I will discover what lies beyond death. The place no one has certainty of its existence, but if it does exist it will be a better place than I'm in now. I've got nothing to lose, except Christina. And she's why I am considering this thoroughly, because if it wasn't for her I would just end it. Leave this place and my lifeless remains.

I feel like I have to hold on. For Christina. For you, Tris, Uriah. I feel like I can't just give up now. You wouldn't want me to, even though it's what I crave the most at this moment. To leave all this luggage, I acquired all those years ago and still carry with me every day, behind. I really miss you Mom. I miss everyone and I miss Tris's touch. Sometimes I wake up, afraid to open my eyes. Because I know she will not lie next to me and she won't be with me.

I'm sorry Mom. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I couldn't take your place. I know how much you would've wanted to live. You knew how much I struggled to hold onto life. If it was only me who died, everyone would have had their wishes come true. I wanted so badly to die for you and I'm sorry I couldn't give you what I so much wanted to give you. I'm sorry Mom, but I will have to hold on. I will have to live my miserable life, because I know you would've wanted me to.

Love,

Tobias


End file.
